The Friendship Math Doesn't Work for Me as an Autistic Adult
Having so many "friends" ended up costing me most of my energy. I now prefer a couple of genuine friends over many who find my people-pleasing behavior appealing and nothing else.
How It Starts
Over the past 1-3 years, I've noticed a pattern with people I've talked to online. Most were neurotypical. Friendships started strong—greeting each other in a friendly and respectful manner.
Pretty detrimental in my case since I realized just how much I was masking with nearly every person I talked to.
Socializing is a special interest of mine. I love talking and connecting with people, so I often jump in to chat with someone new without realizing I'm still recovering from sensory overload. I end up pushing myself very quickly during conversations mostly due to my own excitement—then having to leave a few messages later.
The Drop
After a couple of weeks, my energy levels were around a 3. My responses got much shorter—simply replying with "Hello." I just asked "How are you?" and "How have things been going for you lately?" and would slightly build the conversation from there. Still excited to talk to them, but energy-wise nearly tapped out.
Constantly chatting on different platforms, switching between Discord and Telegram, plus the pressure to do so—this drained me from 6 or 7 energy at the start of the day down to a 2 or 3. I would lose around 4 energy a few hours later if I didn't pace myself. Otherwise I would lose around 2 energy—still draining, but fairly workable if I'm just talking to one or two people.
So many expected a lot since my positive nature appealed to them. They probably assumed I'm "always available" and have no difficulties talking to people—which is the complete opposite.
When They Leave
Majority found this unappealing or an obstacle. They would distance themselves quietly, directly ask if I was okay due to not talking as much, or block me without even asking why.
When I'm chatting with someone new and a couple of days or weeks later they start talking less and less, then eventually stop replying—or in extreme cases, block me—I realize at that point that them leaving was inevitable if they made no effort to reply back. Most, but not all, found my struggles of communicating too much of an obstacle to understand.
It's unpredictable, which makes it so draining and stressful. I never know when or why they decide not to talk to me. They could be busy. Maybe they don't like using Telegram or Discord as much as they used to. They end up just leaving—some go as far as deleting their account. I never know why. I end up consciously blaming myself for something I don't even fully understand.
The Double Bind
Masking is the main driver. I constantly felt a need to appear more positive than I was due to being in burnout. I was genuinely excited to talk—but it was draining me so much that I dropped the mask a couple of replies later. The person would catch on and distance themselves.
If I explain I'm autistic and have difficulties socializing, they either understand and try to work it out—meaningfully or barely, and barely is the most common outcome by far—or simply reply with "Ok" or "I understand" and eventually leave the conversation entirely.
This has happened so many times. It's been traumatic and frustrating since I end up being very open and vulnerable. Yet it declines so fast it almost makes the effort a complete waste. Only a very small amount understands, is willing to work with my challenges, and respects me taking breaks without seeing it as "offensive."
Executive function was another driver. Switching between platforms so much due to the pressure of not taking too long to reply was draining me almost as much as the conversations themselves.
What Stays With Me
I continue chatting with actual friends who care. But the traumatic feeling of being randomly cut off still lingers.
It's made me a lot more careful—almost to the point of being paranoid on who my actual friends are, since so many I talk to appear then go so quickly.
Most of the time, I don't have energy to talk. I go in my room and play Roblox or games on Steam, spending time alone. This is comforting since there's no social dynamics to work around.
About Me
I'm Omari, a 23-year-old autistic adult who's been managing chronic burnout for 5+ years while working warehouse shifts.
This is why I built Spoons. I needed proof that most relationships were almost purely transactional—people found my people-pleasing behavior appealing, yet everything else was secondary. Spoons allows me to be aware of my energy at any given point to ensure I'm not stretching myself thin, and to better pace myself during conversations where I feel pressured to mask for a relationship unlikely to work.
Launching April 2026. getspoons.app - One email when it's ready. No spam.
— Omari
Note: I'm sharing my personal experience as an autistic adult, not medical advice. If you're experiencing severe burnout or crisis, please consult a healthcare provider familiar with autism.