Asking For Help Drains My Energy More Than Doing The Task Itself (Autism Masking Reality)
From work and at home, asking for help even for minor requests (Such as asking where things are) is more exhausting to me than the cost of simply doing the task myself.
I've noticed for the longest time that I strongly prefer by far to do tasks on my own instead of asking of asking my family, friends, or coworkers for questions or even a bit of help. It's not that I don't mind or appreciate their help, it's specifically the cost of thinking what would they say or think? And would they ask followup questions afterwards.
The times that I do ask for help at home for instance such as me asking my mom where something is in the kitchen, either from me misplacing something (Something me being in autistic burnout has impacted significantly for me) or genuinely not knowing where something is, I'm almost always given the response, "Why?" or "What do you plan to do with it" where brings up more scripting work on my end in terms of thinking exactly what to do specfically to avoid further following up questions and avoid further masking costs.
I'm very direct when I speak to pretty much everyone for this exact reason. I still don't mind greeting them with a "Hi how are you" and "and by the way" most of the time, but usually when I ask something, I get straight to the point since I want the conversation to be over as soon as possible.
It's not that I don't mind or even enjoy talking to my friends or others who are kind and considered of my neurological differences, it's just that the cost of maintaining that script is too high and leaves very little energy reserves for me to do or enjoy much later without risking another silent meltdown.
In terms of energy costs specfically (Using the 1-10 slider context from my app) I'm usually around 2 and 3 most days. I've been in burnout for over 5 years now, and I've learned subconciously that being efficent with the conversations that I need to have to crucial so I don't overwhelm myself quickly.
Unfortanutely everytime I ask for help, I almost always get followup questions which is very exhausting and my "smile" after masking for even just a couple of seconds quickly goes away and most of my energy that I planned to contribute to the task I was trying to do (Such as asking where something is such as a broom to clean my room, or where my light sensitivity glasses might be) is gone.
I created Spoons to help know specfically how I feel afterwards energy-wise, not specfically in mood. Having to mask and navigate through small talk is very exhausting, but I usually end up doing it again right after subconsciously, and so by knowing (If a specific conversation that I know will extend for 20-30 minutes rather than 5)
I'll save it for days that I have the most energy such as when I'm at a 6 or even 7 or some cases, so I don't exhaust myself completely and I still enjoy and work on things that I want to do. Or even stimming such as watching cat videos which I enjoy a lot! (I'd love to go to a cafe cafe in Japan at some point, whenever I can!)