Phone Calls Drain Me Of Most Of My Energy Before I Even Say A Word (Autistic Phone Calls Drain Reality)
Heart rate spikes. I'm thinking what to say, what my tone should be. It's physically difficult to pick up the phone.
The vibration and ringtone hit like an alarm. I'm thinking what to say to my mom, what she might think, how she might react.
I'm already overloaded before I answer the phone. My nervous system is already spiking before I say a single word.
Why Phone Calls Are Harder Than Text
Phone calls are sudden, alarming, and demand instant executive function—I have to plan my response, monitor my tone, and mask my actual state all at once. The cost in my personal opinion has been the most significant towards family members and expectations such as "How are you doing" or "Anything going on" and ususally regardless of my response, and the expectations of exchanges happen right after that intro, where the compounding effect continues.
Texting is more predictable and easier to manage. Less tone to monitor. More time to choose my words. And most people even neurotypicals often just expect to text once or at most a couple of times back and relies on from there don't continue until many hours or days later. And even I do have to respond to a text to a family member, all I have to do is take a couple of mintutes(Rather than mere seconds) to figure out just what to say— and then once it's done and over with, I don't have to worry about the sensory overload cost as much anyore.
It's not just social discomfort for the majority of us (Since most conversations are vague, and softening is often expectation, leading to more conversations which = more masking, and more monitoring of tone and facial expressions)—it's the combination of sensory overload from the ringtone, executive function demands for instant responses, and masking my autistic traits all happening simultaneously.
Most (But not all) Neurotypicals don't understand why I prefer texting far more than I do phone calls. Often times I just let the phone ring, not that I don't wanna talk to them, but the cost is too high and it costs much more than just typing a few letters on a screen.
I'll say: "Can we please just text instead of calling each other?"
Mostly my family get pretty annoyed by my request, even if I don't take it personally. Extended family such as grandparents are more considerable and don't mind that I do so all that much. Still, they don't realize how sudden and unpredictable phone calls are compared to text messages and the significant cost involving them both regardless of one dominants over the other.
What Phone Calls Cost Me
To put into context (Using my app energy slide scale in mind 1-10)
- I'm operating at around a 2 or 3 most days, on rare occasions with good sleep and minimize sensory overload it's at a 4
- Phone calls are immediately jarring, vibrating in my pocket (Such is another drain) and the expectations that come right after, which brings me to around at 2 once the call is over
- Text calls on the other hand, still somewhat jarring, but more manageable since I can reply at any time and the cost isn't significant right away. Usually leaves me at around a 3
What I Learned Over Time
Not to cut all phone and text messages entirely (Nearly Impossible, and some, like for bills, appointments and stuff are required and avoiding them causes problems) but to track the impacts of them and how it has on my energy. So if I start off at a low to medium range of energy than after either a phone calls or text phone call, a few hours later or in some cases immediately I drop down to a 2 or a 3, I know that I can either
- Push any other expectation phone calls to 1-2 weeks in advance to let my energy recover
- Or respectfully encourage family members to text messages as priority, and for phone calls only for emergency
It ultimately depends on how exhausting they are, since not every phone call or text message is exhausting especially if it's a brief check-up for only 2-3 minutes. Either way, tracking my energy brings me clarity on drains like this that I probably would've ignored on occasion since I wasn't being aware of it as much as I do now.
This app I use in particular is called Spoons. It Launches April of this year, if you're interested you can join the waitlist if you want to, or simply check the website, if you have the energy. :)
— Omari
Note: I'm sharing my personal experience as an autistic adult, not medical advice. If you're experiencing severe burnout or crisis, please consult a healthcare provider familiar with autism.